


Those days are dead (Phan)

by vendettafrank



Category: Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Cute, M/M, Pain, Sad, good pain?, heckity heck, idk - Freeform, it's in the past, it's soppy as heck, sending letters au lmao what even, ya all will see
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-09-14 01:05:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9149962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vendettafrank/pseuds/vendettafrank
Summary: "I don't know what happened but I know how I felt. I was in love, whatever that meant.In which Dan and Phil are apart and they send each other letters.





	1. My one and lonely

Dear Phil,

I don't want to mess up anything else by saying what i have already said when you left.  
I have a special part of my heart reserved for the people that i love.  
You, unfortunately, wanted to take all the space in it. I hope you understand.  
I couldn't let that happen.  
I had that before and i learned better. You made me feel like i wasn't good enough to be in your space, on your level?  
I think i probably made the whole thing up in my head. I am so sorry. I need to calm down.

I kind of miss you.  
No scratch that, i miss you a lot.  
I miss your touch. Or well, i don't know. I am trying to be romantic but it's obviously not working out for me.

I think I'll just be me for a second.  
I don't need cool and deep poems to impress you. I already made sure that you miss me. Hopefully, I made you feel good when you were here. Because what we had together was more than just nothing. We had something.

I've been writing this letter for far too long and many things have happened since you left.

All in all, people have been saying that i look much happier now, which honestly, i can't relate.

I never felt sadder.

Maybe and finally, i've learned how to act well.

You thought me that.  
Thanks, by the way.

I remember the last time i saw you and your coat moved as the wind passed by and along the street, an oncoming train making loud noises in the distance. I held your hand tightly in mine and i hid it well from others, so no one could see. I learned that from you too. You were too good at that, still are, i guess.

I could see a fragment of your face for a second and then you were gone.

Once again, i am sorry.  
I shouldn't be doing this to you.

I hope you respond.

With love, Dan.

P.S. you made me shut my mouth at the station, but you can't make me do it here, so I'll write it.  
I cherish every piece of you. I love every piece of you. And i don't care if it's cheesy. I love you. Hope you feel the same way too.

-


	2. Forgive me

Dear Dan,  
don't worry. All is forgiven.  
All i have now are memories. But don't worry i am holding them tight, to my chest, to my soul. I got you.

Why do you sound so final? It's not final to me. I don't think it ever will be.  
In regards to people talking about how much happier you look, they don't talk much about that here. They don't talk at all actually.

I miss you. I miss you to heaven and back.

I am sorry for being soppy. I can't help it. I was never really good at containing feelings and you were even worse.  
Remember that one time your boss almost caught us holding hands? You so dramatically slid on the floor, like you were sick or something.

That kept us laughing for quite some time.

But you sure as hell concerned your boss from that moment on.

Have i told you that your boss shook my hand before i left? He said how what i am doing is brave or something along those lines.

I am not brave.  
I was forced into doing this.  
I would give anything to see you play that piano right now. I really would.

My hands are shaking and i am so glad you can't see it. I've got a bit of a bruise on my left hand and some others from falling too much.

They are not gentle with us. i didn't expect that at all but yet i was surprised when the first punch fell.

i didn't want to say this but...

They killed a kid.

Brutally, out of some reasons that are still unknown to me.

When i find out, i will let you know.

I already have my suspicions but i am going to let it go for a second now and focus on what's important.

I love you.

I was not brave enough to say it on the train station but i am writing it now. I hope that written words hold the same weight as the spoken ones.

I am sorry i never said it earlier. I am sorry i didn't say in the times when it was necessary.

I froze. Completely. When we were at the train station.

I was scared and you had that look on your face and i couldn't help but wonder how it would feel to kiss you in front of all of those people.

I couldn't say the words. I couldn't say it. I would never stop crying if i did.

Now, i got to stop myself for a second, it is freaking freezing in here, my hands are going numb.

I want you to listen to me carefully, Dan or well, read carefully.

This might sound a little morbid but we aren't going to live forever, especially not me. Keep your sense of humour and laugh. A lot. Smile. A lot. Everything passes. Everything changes. Everything is temporary, Especially our time on this earth, especially mine. Spread light. Be a light. Be my light. Be what i always knew you could be.

Live on.

Love, Phil

P.S. i know you love these post scriptum things, so i decided i might have a try also.

Write me sometimes. I love you dearly.


	3. Home and nothing but home

Dear Phil,

I haven’t written you quite some time now. And I can feel myself drifting apart from who I was before.

I feel pretty insecure just like I did before. You know when… the times before you came feel so distant and yet so incredibly close cause these times are making me feel… awful.. I think I am going through those phases again, which to be quite honest I am not really happy about.

Louise visited today.

All the plants are dead.

I am so sorry.

Louise bought new ones tho.

She really is a sweetheart; don’t know what I would do without her. She looked extremely sad when she walked in and found me on the floor sobbing.

I know that the fact I am writing about crying to you is painful enough but you know I like to tell things how they truly are.

I don’t want to fake anything with you.

I never did. Never will.

It’s September 19th today and I just want you to know that I went through our old messages when we were only a room away. They were... pretty positive. I could feel happiness through them. I am not trying to be sadder any more than I am but goddamit, it feels like my body only wants to cry even more and that is… something I don’t want yet again, I feel at least when I cry.

The days when I don’t cry feel like a blur.

Emotionless.

Louise cheered me up today. She brought cookies and other shit, you know she’s good at that.

I kind of felt good at the beginning but at the same time I didn’t cause whenever we sat down and talked, louise and me, there was an empty seat at the table and it was damn obvious that someone was missing.

The house is not complete without you. Come home, please- I know it’s stupid of me to ask you, but I can’t really hold it all together anymore. I know you can’t come back home either. But I wish you could.

I just wish you could.

I think I found myself to be the best of the worst ... and now i am just playing with words.

I need your help you know i do. Please send me letters as soon as you can and as much often as you can.

I thought that if i just didn't send a letter it would hurt less but i was so goddamn wrong. So goddamn wrong. My heart and chest fucking ache.

I need to calm down.

Fuck's sake. I wish you were here.

Okay, how about this?

The plant that louise brought.

I am gonna name it Michael.

And you better come home to see Michael still being a healthy, live plant.

You fucking better.

With adoration and love and everything else, Dan.

P.S. you are my entire universe

**Author's Note:**

> hi, guys new fic more or less
> 
> this is kinda a fun (sad) thing that i want to write, i don't want to give much detail yet, you'll see.
> 
> this is gonna have a lot of chapters but less words. so it won't really be a problem to read...
> 
> kudos/comments are awesome, tell me what you think...


End file.
